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March 02, 2011

Big Oil Has Feelings, Too

The Onion's trenchant (fake) reporting knows no bounds. This fantastic piece, "ExxonMobil CEO Really Hurt That College Student Is Talking About Him Right Now", exposes the sensitive side of oil executives.

According to sources within ExxonMobil's global headquarters, Rex W. Tillerson, the company's president, chairman, and CEO, was completely devastated Wednesday by what 18-year-old Skidmore College freshman Samantha Huestis was saying about him in her dorm room.

After aides abruptly pulled the 58-year-old executive out of a deepwater-exploration meeting, Tillerson was said to have gasped audibly and shaken his head in apparent despair when notified that the communications major had charged ExxonMobil with "raping the environment" and had claimed that Tillerson himself "only cares about money."

"I've never been so hurt in all my life," said Tillerson, who is worth an estimated $720 million.[...]

Sources confirmed that upon hearing that Samantha called him "a greedy bastard," Tillerson drew the blinds of his spacious corner office and sat in stunned silence for several minutes before meekly requesting that his secretary hold any incoming calls and cancel all his meetings and appearances for the remainder of the week.

Read the entire article.

-- Brian Foley

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